Through her mind
by lysjelonken
Summary: Deeks in undercover on an OP, without Kensi. What runs through her mind. Non-specific time-wise, definite Densi, conflicted feelings. First time writing in a very long time, please be kind.
1. Chapter 1

**Through her mind**

**In the last stretch of my matric exams, I suddenly feel like writing again in the first time since I-don't-know-when.**

**Summary: Non-specific time-wise, since NCIS: LA is currently on hiatus (not to mention horrendously behind) in SA. Deeks is undercover on an op, without Kensi – what goes through her mind.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS: Los Angeles or any of the characters. Just borrowing.**

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That idiot.

That _idiot!_

What the hell as he thinking?! What kind of messed-up logic, what kind of _pea-sized brain_, must a human being possess to openly flirt with the head gangster's girl, practically _in front of _said head gangster?

Well not necessarily _in front _of him… But with a gangster, in the same room is definitely still a _very _dangerous sphere!

Her fists were clenching against the tight denim of the jeans as she sat in Ops, staring at the video feed transmitting from the cam on Deeks, of the bleach-blonde Jersey-import giggling coquettishly.

The gang, well-known for the smuggling of illegal weapons in general, was mentioned in some recent chatter was now under investigation for distribution to terrorist groups. Deeks, quite incidentally, had dealt with the head gangster, Richard Santos, briefly before during one of his previous LAPD-ops. Since his alias remained intact, he was the obvious choice to infiltrate the operation. She still doesn't understand the logic of sending him in alone, with her only _watching _in Ops.

Maybe there was something in the water, since illogical actions seemed to be the order of the day.

She tried to ignore the grin – nope, it was too smug for a grin. She tried to ignore the _smirk _of Callen behind her as she felt the heat rise up in to her face as the girlfriend, Shelly, ran one long, bright red nail up Deeks' arm and towards his shoulder to hang on him like a ragdoll.

"You know, Ricky's only ever said great things about you. Even last year, he was always on about how bright your future is… Was shattered when you disappeared off the scenes, said it was a real loss of potential. You planning on staying in LA this time?" Shelly drawled.

"Indefinitely, I hope." She heard Deeks reply, his voice filled with a certain heated focus that made her want to rip something. Possibly one of his _limbs _off of his _body_.

"Then I guess you'll be here a while with us." Her lips, thick with gloss, spread into a slow smile, and her eyes went up and down like a jungle cat eyeing her prey.

Eric whistled. "Deeks really got this one, hook, line and sinker."

"Sure does. Huh, Kensi?" Sam asked, and she could hear the smirk without looking behind her. She could tell he was looking at Callen too, joining in the mockery.

But despite what they thought, she wasn't jealous – no way. Please. Just the thought was ridiculous. And absurd.

Deeks is her partner; her colleague. Nothing more. Well, maybe… They're _friends_, right? They're close friends. They share the odd night eating pizza and drinking beer together, and there was that time they fell asleep on the couch together and she woke up wrapped around him like a pretzel... But that's human, right? Looking for heat when sleeping? It's totally innocent and friendly and completely...

Whatever.

The only reason her fists were clenched right now and her knuckles were turning white, was… partnerly concern. For his safety and such. Because of the aforementioned dangers of practically _mating _with a gangster's girlfriend with the gangster so close by.

"So how long have you and Richard been together?" Deeks asked, bringing her back to reality from her flurry of her thoughts.

"Few years." The blonde said nonchalantly, leaning back over the bar with a calculated casualness, revealing her cleavage to him and, by implication, the camera. "But he goes away a lot, for business. He's going away again this week. Leaving Wednesday for a week. Won't let me go along though. Imma be pretty lonely." She purred and pouted.

"Keep at it Deeks, find out where he's going..." Eric said into the mic.

Deeks dragged in a breath, his next charm-laden reply certainly on the tip of his tongue. Kensi bit her tongue to keep a snarky comment from escaping.

"Baby." Before Deeks could speak, the grating, smoker's voice of Richard Santos was heard and as he turned the man's slight form came into sight. "I see you two are getting acquainted."

He spoke with the unthreatened confidence of a man certain of his dominance and control. Falsely so, but nevertheless.

"Yeah, I was just introducing him to some of the… inner workings and such." Undeterred and with a velvety voice, Shelly threw herself over her boyfriend.

"Got yourself quite the charmer here. Sharp as a tack too. You're a lucky man." Deeks said in an easy and respectful tone, somehow relieving any of the possible tension in that effortless way of his.

Kensi couldn't resist rolling her eyes at his choice of compliments, though.

"I sure am. But we should get goin', hun. Use the time we got before I'm off."

Game on.

"Yeah, I hear you're going to be away. Anywhere in particular?"

With just one brief, conflicted glance, Richard decided Deeks was trustworthy enough to share a (seemingly) unimportant detail. "Mexico. Just some clients from overseas that don't wanna discuss their business within borders. And don't really care for customs."

Deeks nodded. "Well then, I guess this'll be goodbye for now then. Enjoy the mohitos... I'll see you around." A charming smile, a handshake, and Richard and his Shelly left wrapped around each other, the blonde glancing back to wink lustily one last time.

A few beats passed as Deeks watched the two disappear into the crowd and away, and he leaned against the bar. "Got all that?" He murmured into the com.

"We did. Very well done, Mister Deeks. We'll see you back in Ops in a while." Hetty said.

Fuming for no apparent reason, Kensi promptly got up and stormed to the gym to give the punching bag a piece of her mind.

X

The sweat was pouring down her face as she continually slammed the bag with her fists.

"You okay there, Kens?"

She would've jumped at the sound of his voice, if she hadn't taught herself to not show shock long ago.

"Peachy." She said, her breath coming in pants.

"You sure?"

She slowed her punches and eventually stopped, hanging against the bag with her forehead resting against it.

"Yeah. I'm sure."

She turned to see him leaning against the wall of the gym, still wearing the outfit of his alias, a button-down of an almost shiny fabric, buttoned way too low. It was cheesy and not very Deeks, but the glimpses of tan skin it revealed certainly wasn't helping her current confused state of mind. He had that infuriating smile on his face, and that mischievous glint, that told her that, if he hadn't known from her silence over the com during the op, or from the guys' teasing, they've now told him about her reaction to his flirting with Shelly. And he was damned smug about it.

He raised an eyebrow, catching her staring. As a reply, she turned away from him towards the bag, and threw him an insult. "You look like an idiot. That shirt is ridiculous."

He chuckled. "Yeah, I know. But Shelly seemed to like it, so I guess it filled its purpose."

She said nothing, but the increased speed and force behind her punches said more than enough.

"Not that it matters. She's not my type anyway. I guess I've always had a thing for brunettes."

After a few seconds of silence from her, he realized she wasn't going to reply in this state. After a while, she heard his footsteps fading as he left the gym.

Honestly she doesn't know what was running through her mind.

She, Agent Kensi Blye, jealous and irrefutably in love with her partner.

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**First time writing in a long time. Please be kind and review.**

**Much love, Zanny**


	2. Chapter 2

**Through her mind: Chapter 2**

**I was honestly planning on keeping this a one-shot, but with all the positive feedback and requests to keep it going, I'm extending it. It might turn to a three-shot, maybe more. I've decided to make their partnership relatively new, just over a year old.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine**

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He did a good job today, and he knew it. Undercover work, and alone no less, when it came down to it, was what he was used to and what he was best at.

He was flawless in his execution, charming and completely at ease; by the end of the night, he had Richard Santos' trust re-established, and his girlfriend eating out of the palm of his hand. Although he had hoped to avoid the bleach-blonde siren who had been fluttering her mascara-laden eyelashes at him from the very beginning, she soon revealed herself to not only be informed about the goings-on of the gang, but also more than willing to spill a few secrets to get the handsome newcomer in her bed. He took the gap without a problem. After all, he's had to do much worse than endure a few hours of empty conversation and cloyingly sweet perfume to get information while undercover.

All in all, he entered the OSP confident. But man, was the reaction to his brilliant deception unexpected.

Well, he had suspected Kensi was a little bit… well, jealous. Usually she'd be teasing him mercilessly over the com, feeding a seemingly endless stream of sarcastic quips. This time he didn't hear a peep from her. He had planned to ask her about it upon return; in fact, he had a banter session almost completely planned out. He'd call her out for being jealous, she'd deny it and fire back, and their usual playful back-and-forth would commence. What he hadn't expected was that she'd be cornered off in the gym when he got back, and the team would be wearing some wide, teasing grins.

Not in his wildest imagination did he anticipate a reaction like _that_. The way the team described it made it sound like she was just about ready to tear the poor girl to shreds. So, like the good and caring partner he was, he rushed off to the gym; not to tease, but to see if she was okay. All good intentions. Just like that, in his alias' over-the-top outfit, without the long, warm shower he craved to scrub Shelly's body glitter off of him.

She was vicious. Really. The force of her punches made him wince, trying very hard not to imagine how it would feel if the bag was the real intended target – no doubt, _him_.

He asked if she was okay; she replied with a sawed-off, half-assed answer. And no matter how gentle and reassuring he tried to be, he was only answered by short, curt sentences or silence.

Maybe he would've stayed and tried for longer, but he was tired. Really tired. Not from the op; from this situation.

More than a year they've been doing this. Playing around their "thing". Dancing to and fro across the line that separated friendship and something more.

Honestly, he was sick of it. Sick of the ambiguity of their relationship. Never knowing where he stood. If they were just friends her violently jealous reaction would be completely irrational and inappropriate, and he'd be able to tease her about it and that would be it. She'd be pissed for a bit, but then they'd laugh it off and go on with their lives. But if they were in a relationship, it would be understandable, and her uncommunicativeness would be the problem. And he'd be able to give into the part of him that wanted to hug her from the back until her body completely relaxed, kiss her cheek and tell her she had nothing to worry about.

As he unlocked his apartment and entered, he sighed. Monty greeted him enthusiastically and he petted his scruffy little head. With slow, tired movements, he went through the motions; feed Monty, microwave his dinner, pick at it half-heartedly. Then he fell into bed, fully clothed and not caring at all. He stared at his phone by his bedside, before picking it up and letting his thumb play across the buttons.

Her name and number flashed onto the screen under her caller ID picture. He remembers the day he took it; it was a Saturday and they were hanging out at her house after sharing a morning jog. Her hair was falling out of her ponytail and she was laughing heartily at some stupid joke he told. She was looking away from the camera, unaware of the Kodak moment she was supplying with the sun playing across her tanned skin and the natural beauty of her, completely at ease and without pretense His thumb hovered over the call button while he considered the possible outcomes of calling a riled-up Kensi this late. Wondering what he'd say; how he'd put his frustrations to words, _if _he put his frustrations to words…

Eventually he thought _Screw it_, and pressed the little green button.

X

It was late by the time Kensi trudged home. The OSP was dark and practically empty when she finally left the poor punching bag alone. And feeling not at all relieved of any of the tension that had built up inside of her.

As she locked the door behind her, she looked over her apartment; messy, as usual, but with a new, overwhelming sense of emptiness hanging over it. She paused, feeling the loneliness creep up on her. She wondered what Deeks was doing tonight… Maybe he'd be up for beer and pizza?

_Don't be an idiot, _she thought. _Not after the way you threw your toys in the gym. _

She still can't believe she reacted like that. What was she, a preteen with a crush?

By now, she can't deny it was jealousy anymore. She can't deny the feelings, unwanted and terrifyingly real, that built up in her chest when she saw Deeks flirting with another woman. She can't even try to deny the giddy flutter that bubbled through her stomach when she thought back to his words: _I've always had a thing for brunettes. _

There it was. Clear as daylight.

She had feelings for her partner; intense, overwhelming, decidedly non-friendly feelings, and he was suggesting… What was he suggesting? Did he feel the same way?

She jumped a little as her phone sprang to life, vibrating loudly. Pulling it out of her pocket, she saw Deeks, goofily smiling and showing a thumbs-up; she couldn't help the smile from tugging at the corners of her lips seeing his face.

The smile quickly faded as reality reared its ugly head. What exactly would she say to him? Sorry I acted like a child and got ridiculously jealous? Sorry I got all bitchy and stupid when you came to reassure me? Sorry I don't know how to deal with the fact that I..?

_Like you?_

The words seemed so simple and innocent. Almost childish. Unfitting. But the alternative, the other l-word, was way too terrifying to consider.

"Shit." She whispered into the silence as the phone continued the buzz unhindered. She let it quiet in her hands, watching as the "one missed call" bubble pop up onto the screen.

She fell down on her couch and turned the TV on, for the comfort of the sound more than anything else, and stared at the phone in her hands. Wondered what was running through his mind right now… She could imagine how he'd be frustrated by her behavior today, if she was feeling this way.

When the phone started up unexpectedly again, buzzing wildly with Deeks' goofy face lighting the screen, she was startled. The desire to answer, to hear his voice, to apologize…

Before she could rationalize it, argue that leaving it all and pretending nothing happened was the easiest way out, her traitor of a thumb pressed answer.

Bringing the phone to her ear, she heard nothing but what she was assuming was a stunned silence. Then his voice, that warm, familiar voice: "Hey."

"Hey." She whispered back.

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**Alrighty then. Next up: the resolve. I realize this fic is semi-cheesy and done before. Sorry for that. Please review,**

**Much love, Zanny**


	3. Chapter 3

**Through her mind: Chapter 3**

**Thanks again for the positive response, and that you guys don't harsh on the cheesiness. Coming up: Le beeg confrontation, otherwise known as what Densi fans have been anticipating every other episode since they met.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

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"Hey."

There was a moment of silence and Kensi outwardly cringed.

"I'm sorry." They said in perfect unison. One more beat of silence, and then laughter overtook them both. The relief of such a familiar moment – hearing his laughter instead of the pained, tension-filled nothing – seemed to make the situation seem a whole lot lighter.

"What are you sorry for?" She asked when the laughter quieted down.

_That's a real good question, _Deeks thought on the other side of the phone, questioning his response.

"I don't know." He decided after a beat. "I guess I'm just… I'm sorry you were upset today. I'm sorry _I _did something to upset you today. I just-…"

_Hate this. _

"You don't need to apologize. It wasn't your fault; you were doing your job. You did great today. I was just having a bad day, and I reacted like a child. I'm sorry for being a bitch in the gym."

The bad day thing was a straight-out lie and she knew he could tell. They started out the morning joking over doughnuts and coffee, after all. Thankfully he said nothing.

"You weren't a bitch. You were just… cranky. I'm used to that." He attempted humour.

"Used to it? You seemed pretty dejected when you left."

He didn't reply to that.

In what must've been a flash of insanity, Kensi filled the silence in the most dangerous way she possibly could have:

"You wanna come over?"

Deeks said nothing, and Kensi almost physically smacked her forehead. _What the HELL, Blye? You obsess over your dreamy partner you can't have a relationship with, and what do you do? Invite him over. Genius._

"Will there be beer there?" Deeks asked (finally).

A smile spread over her face as she peered to the empty bottle on the coffee table. "Almost always, unfortunately."

"Pizza?"

"I can order in?"

"I'll be there in 10."

She hung up, staring at the wall. "Such a bad idea." She said to herself, and then dialled the number of a 24 hour-pizza place to order Deeks' favourite.

X

He showed up at her door sooner than she expected and before she could completely compose herself. Thankfully, not wearing that ridiculous shiny shirt he was before. Unfortunately, wearing a grey t-shirt that hugged him in extremely… _flattering _ways, that made for an even bigger distraction.

"Hey." Whispered, and sounding more afraid than she liked.

He held up a yellow cardboard box. Twinkies. As if she needed anything more to make her head swim. She couldn't keep the smile from bursting onto her face.

"Figured you could use a pick-me-up." He threw the box up and she caught it, before he strode into her apartment with his usual ease and comfort.

"Thanks. Beer's in the fridge, pizza's on the way. Your favourite."

He quirked an eyebrow and a crooked smile lit up his face as he opened the fridge and took out two beers. "My favourite, huh?"

"Seems peace offerings are a theme tonight."

He walked towards her and she felt her heartbeat accelerate and her pupils were no doubt dilated widely. He noticed too, his crooked smile growing wider, as he slowly, closely… handed her the cold bottle of beer. He was enjoying this. She was in agony. With him so close, and these thoughts running through her head…

And his breath fanning warm across her face, and his eyes, so extremely blue…

How easy would it be, to just shift up a few millimetres onto her toes?

_Bad idea, partner, really bad idea, friendship, worst idea… So damn close…_

Her thoughts were rushing.

Thankfully, Deeks seemed to be on the same page. After a few of the longest seconds the world has ever known of intent staring, magnetic energy and almost visible electric sparks between them, he blinked twice quickly and somewhat less-than-smoothly retreated to the couch. Her breath was embarrassingly quickened.

She took a long sip from her beer, before joining him on the couch – on the far side, of course.

"So…" He asked with a small cough. "Top Model or Titanic tonight?"

It earned him a chuckle, and for a while it was as if the day hadn't happened. They watched in comfortable silence, made funny comments and laughed together, teased one another… Before she knew it, it was ridiculously late.

"I should probably get going," He said, his voice husky with tiredness, and he glanced at his wristwatch. "It's… Woah, how'd it get this late?"

She leaned down and glanced at the watch as well. "It is pretty late. You can stay here if you want." She looked up and their faces were – somehow – disarmingly close once again. "I-I mean… on th-the couch. Y'know, cause you it's pretty late and you're tired. And you had a few beers… Whatever."

"No, I get it, Fern." Another playful grin, and he lazily stretched his body like a cat, across the couch and, by implication, her. "You want me."

She knew without a doubt he could see the blush creep up her neck and onto her cheeks. "You wish, Deeks."

"Don't deny it, Sugarbear, it's clear as day. You wanna kiiiiiss me, you wanna huuuug me…" He teased in a sing-song voice, no doubt making her face glow red.

But then their eyes met, and he promptly shut up. Not because of the usual threatening glare those eyes held; no, because of the telling girlish embarrassment. The stare held, her mismatched brown eyes gazing so deeply into his azure depths, and she felt it again: the electricity, the magnetic pull of before. More than a year's worth of unresolved sexual tension between the two of them, concentrated in these few millimetres between them. Her breath caught in her throat…

He didn't move away this time. Seconds dragged on for eons; eons spent getting lost in the sparkling Pacific Ocean-gaze.

She was inching closer; so was he.

The moment their lips touched seemed explosive to her. Her ears ringing, her heartbeat loud and pounding, the sensation of his lips on hers overloading every nerve-ending in her body…

She had lost all sense of time when she felt him smile against her lips. Then she was smiling, and his grin widened, and soon they were both giggling.

"This is such a bad idea." She whispered. "We're partners. Friends. This could…"

"Ruin everything." He whispered back. She saw his eyes drop, while the corners of his mouth lifted. "I'm relieved to hear I'm not the only one who's been thinking about it."

Quirking an eyebrow, she bantered along: "Flatter yourself much, Deeks?"

"I don't think so. Not after that kiss."

The heat rose to her face again, and he was smiling against her neck now, nuzzling there affectionately. His scruff scratched against the skin there, and she was surprised at chill that ran down her spine.

"I think we owe it to ourselves to try. Don't you?" His voice reverberated against her throat. She was such a goner.

"How'd you do it?" She whispered, her voice getting huskier as he kissed her warming skin.

"Do what?"

She pulled him up to look into his eyes again. "Get under my skin like this. It's like a lost my mind… I'm not making rational decisions. I'm…" She struggled for the right words, finding there were none.

Thankfully, he lifted a finger to her lips, shushing her and making her roll her eyes. "That's alright. I could tell you the same thing."

He kissed her again, effectively shutting out any coherent thought from either their minds.

Maybe they never would make completely understand it.

Maybe they never needed to.

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**Cheesy end to a cheesy story, but it was a thrill to write. Thanks for the support and feedback. Review, for old time's sake?**

**Much love, **

**Zanny**


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